


liminal

by Yavemiel



Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016), Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: F/M, Gen, Introspection, Near Death Experiences, Team as Family
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-13
Updated: 2018-05-06
Packaged: 2019-03-04 12:07:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,536
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13364373
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Yavemiel/pseuds/Yavemiel
Summary: Between death and dying, Jyn learns about herself and her family.





	1. sitting on the threshold

**Author's Note:**

> This was written for the Jyn Appreciation Squad over on tumblr, which I highly recommend you check out: https://jynappreciationsquad.tumblr.com A massive thanks also to my wonderful beta, rapidashpatronus, who was her usual mix of supportive and providing awesome suggestions for improvement. <3 Second chapter forthcoming soon!

If asked, Jyn would have said that she had a very clear view of who she was as a person. A good scrapper, dependable in a fight, a clear head for strategy, loyal to a fault, a halfway decent cook if she could get her hands on the right stuff. She knew her faults too; occasionally impulsive, selfish with the time of those she loves, blunt of speech, and clumsy with any kind of physical interaction that didn’t involve violence. A soldier.

  
So when she saw the trooper’s blaster come up as if in slow motion, her own blaster useless on the ground, she didn’t hesitate before diving in front of the shot that would have hit Cassian directly between the shoulder-blades.

  
There was a sort of peace to it really, the way the sound sucked out of the world as she felt the impact to her own chest, though she could have done without the screaming that seemed to be coming from behind her, maybe her own name? That was nothing like Cassian’s voice though, far too high pitched, and she didn’t remember her vision being so red, maybe that was a side effect of dying? No wait, the trooper’s head had exploded. Odd, they didn’t normally do that.

  
Someone’s hands were on her shoulders, shaking her minutely with the tremors wracking their body. She dragged her gaze from the headless trooper to meet Cassian’s frantic face, screaming something, but she couldn’t hear him. He was always talking, and half the time Jyn didn’t even hear what he was saying, just the tenor of his voice and its warmth. She smiled and tried to tell him about how much she loved his voice, but her mouth wouldn’t shape the words. She could feel her eyes closing, no pain, just a heavy weight dragging the lids down, down, down, and she felt strangely happy.

  
Jyn was, after all, someone with an acute knowledge of her own worth, and so there was an obscure satisfaction in dying knowing that her life’s full value had been spent.

  
**

  
Oh.

  
Not dead.

  
Interesting.

  
But maybe not alive either?

  
She looked down from above at her own body encased in bacta packs and a pod, life-sign readings on the outside indicating a heart surprisingly still beating on the inside. It was a kind of mesmeric pulse that she could feel vibrating through her whole being and she was so entranced by it that she didn’t notice at first the mass of people huddled around her bedside, harrying a beleaguered medic for information.

  
As soon as she noticed them though, she couldn’t look away. Her whole team was there, Kay and Bodhi and Cassian all talking over each other, while Baze loomed over them in the background, no less imposing for his silence, and Chirrut stood next to her pod, his hand over the heart rate monitor, as though he alone was responsible for keeping it beating.

  
“Will you all please just _shut up_!”

  
Jyn’s attention was drawn back to the medic as he finally lost his patience and yelled. It had the desired effect, and he visibly took a deep breath.

  
“I know you are all extremely worried about Sergeant Erso, but I assure you, we are doing everything we possibly can. She’s in bacta. She’s being constantly monitored, any dip from one of these readings and a medteam will be here in seconds. What she needs right now, more than anything, is time.”

  
They all stayed silent and Jyn fought the urge to try and reach out to stroke the back of Cassian’s hand, ruffle Bodhi’s hair, all the small touches she used to try and keep her fam...her team at ease in times of stress.

  
“Is there, um, is there anything we can do?” Bodhi asked hesitantly. “That won’t, you know, interfere with anything.”

  
The medic smiled at him kindly, clearly relieved to have gotten his point across. “Keep her company. Talk to her. She’s in a medically induced coma, but there’s a chance that she may be able to hear you” - Jyn snorted - “and it will be comforting for her to know that her family’s nearby.”

  
No one corrected his use of the word ‘family’ and Jyn felt a warm inner glow that she attributed to the medpod keeping her core temperature at a balmy thirty-seven degrees.

  
There was silence as the medic left the room, broken by Kay’s peevish question.

  
“Now what?”

  
“Now,” said Baze, placing his hand over Chirrut’s on the medpod, “we talk.”

  
**

  
Thus began the strangest period of Jyn’s life.

  
Always awake, unable to communicate and unable to leave the room her body was in (she tried), she could only sit and watch and wait.

  
And listen.

  
Her team took the medic’s words to heart, and she was very rarely alone. Even at night, there was inevitably someone curled on the campbed that was tucked into a corner of the room, the medics turning a blind eye.

  
It was oddly like eavesdropping, but Jyn silenced the faint stirrings of guilt with the knowledge that she couldn’t go anywhere else and listened eagerly, hungry for news and for human interaction, even if she couldn’t provide any in return.

  
What was said varied widely depending on who was saying it. From Bodhi she kept up with all the gossip around the base: who was seen sneaking off with whom, which generals were at loggerheads who managed to replace Draven’s caff with half strength for two days before he realised (Princess Leia to Jyn’s surprise).

  
She also learned far more than she ever wanted or expected to learn about Luke Skywalker and really, if... _when_ she woke up, she was going to have a chat with Bodhi about discretion because you never knew which walls had ears.

  
It was in the middle of one such monologue on Luke’s assistance in his fighter pilot training that Bodhi suddenly hesitated before blurting out, “I wish you were here to help, Jyn. No one else helps me to learn like you, you’re...you’re so kind, and patient. You don’t care if I forget the words sometimes, or don’t get things on the first try.”  
He patted her medpod clumsily and dipped his head in uncharacteristic silence as Jyn reeled from the unlooked for insight into Bodhi’s affection for her. She didn’t think of herself as particularly kind, but she couldn’t deny the warmth Bodhi’s insistence kindled in her.

  
Kind. Huh.

  
**

  
Baze and Chirrut often visited together, something Jyn suspected was at least partially because Chirrut was perfectly capable of holding a one-sided conversation, into which Baze occasionally interjected asides. Occasionally however, he came by by himself, and when he was there, he talked. Jyn listened with something approaching amazement. She’d never heard Baze say so many words all at once.

  
Most of his talk centred on whatever weapon he was cleaning at the time, talking her carefully through each movement as he restored it to full working order. It was both informative and soothing, his deep voice almost hypnotic as he narrated and explained his actions. It was the closest that Jyn got to sleep in her strange half life, and she appreciated it immensely.

  
Occasionally he would talk about Jedha, though it was clear to her that the topic was painful for him. He spoke wistfully of the festival of light that used to happen every year, the beautiful lanterns and happy crowds that would cram into the temple, laughter and life. He spoke of a warm bread straight from the ovens of the street vendors and children who liked to trail after him and try and put beads in his hair. Listening, Jyn deeply regretted not asking more about Jedha before and made a note to look up some of the customs when she could.

  
Once ever, he spoke to her of the time he and Chirrut spent apart. He spoke quietly, shaping the words like a confession, and Jyn held non-existent breath and listened.

  
“I was lost,” he said. “So lost. Without Chirrut, and the devastation the Empire was wreaking on Jedha...the anger consumed me and I did many things that I...regret.”

  
He was silent for a moment before rousing himself from his recollections and giving Jyn’s body a rare smile. “Of the many things I admire about you, little sister, the one I admire most is your humanity, your mercy. I lost pieces of myself when I felt abandoned, but you, you are strong and whole still, despite your childhood...it gives me hope.”

  
For the first time since she ‘woke up’, Jyn was almost glad she wasn’t in control of her body. She hated crying.

  
**

  
Kay...well, Kay was Kay. Her being half dead didn’t change that. He came by more infrequently than the others, and his entrances were always qualified with “Cassian sent me to…” or “Cassian says I have to be here because…”

  
Jyn found she didn’t mind. In a way, it was comforting that Kay was still so uniquely Kay, his bluntness and irritable nature unchanged by her incapacitation.  
He mostly complained and Jyn tended to filter most of it out, content to let it buzz as background noise, almost able to pretend that she was on a mission, Kay wittering on in the cockpit, and Cassian...Cassian by her side, smiling whenever she caught his eye, Cassian with his clever plans and sharp mind, Cassian -

  
“Cassian...”

  
She jolted back to the present as Kay said Cassian’s name and then paused.

  
“Cassian misses you. He does not say so, but I know he does. He feels guilty about the manner in which you were injured, even though I have told him that it is ridiculous.”

  
He paused again briefly. “I myself have found that I have noted your absence an average of 5.6 times per daily cycle. It is disturbing. I do not like it.”

  
From Kay, that was practically a declaration of love.

  
“You need to recover faster, Jyn Erso. Cassian says that it could be weeks or even months until you are sufficiently recovered to be woken from your medical coma, however, if there’s anything that I can say about you, it’s is that you consistently confound expectations. I await your imminent consciousness with an equal measure of anticipation and aggravation.”

  
He stalked out of the room, leaving Jyn to contemplate with horror-tinged amusement a world where even Kay had nice things to say about her.

  
She’d show him ‘confound expectations’.

  
**

_TBC_


	2. awakening

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The conclusion.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was written for the Jyn Appreciation Squad over on tumblr, which I highly recommend you check out: https://jynappreciationsquad.tumblr.com A massive thanks also to my wonderful beta, rapidashpatronus, who was her usual mix of supportive and providing awesome suggestions for improvement. <3 This second chapter has been a long time coming, much longer than I originally intended, so I'm very sorry for that, life got in the way as it has a way of doing! I hope you enjoy it nonetheless! :)

Jyn both loved and dreaded the times Cassian came to visit.

She missed him like a physical ache that never went away, dulled while he was sat in the room, but so sharp when he left that she was always surprised her heart didn’t skip a beat.

He looked, to her eyes, wearier than ever. There was never a hint of it in his voice as he sat and gently told her about his day, but particularly when he was alone in the room, he let his guard down, shoulders slumped and his eyes fixed on her face telling her exactly how guilty he felt that it was her and not him in the pod.

She oscillated between the desire to comfort him and the desire to rail at him, tell him he had no right to feel guilty when he would (has) done the same for her.

Despite the mixed emotions, she looked forward to his visits most: when he was there, he barely left the room, not even to eat or shower, and Jyn felt the comfort of company for days at a time.

The downside was that as Rebel Intelligence’s most sought after asset, he couldn’t just...not go on missions because one of his team was out of action. The war went on after all.

In his absences (often overlapping with Kay’s), the members of the team left behind would tell Jyn every time he made contact, a courtesy she was profoundly grateful for.

He always came back from his missions slightly gaunt, eyes a little haunted and Jyn cursed the invisible barrier between them. The first few hours after he came back were always the hardest. His voice rough, he seemed incapable of keeping up the gentle chatter which usually accompanied his visits.

Instead, he read to her.

Jyn had never been much for reading. When she was younger, she had always wanted to be out playing and doing and then Saw had little patience for frivolities such as education (that was unrelated to war) or downtime, so she had never picked up the habit.

Cassian, it turned out, was an avid reader, who had thousands of stories tucked away on his datapad and Jyn was enchanted by this previously unseen facet of him.

He read her what he called ‘The Classics’, stories about a man stranded on a planet far from home after a war and his trials travelling to his homeworld. He read her lighter stories, fairytales about true love and ridiculous murder mysteries in which she became ridiculously engaged.

Once, he read her poetry in his native language. She could only pick out a few words here and there, beginner that she was, but she loved the way his voice lilted and curled around the words that were clearly so dear to him. She vowed that when she woke up, she would put more effort into learning Festian, just to see Cassian’s eyes light up.

So it went for months. Jyn watched her lifesigns grow almost imperceptibly stronger, watched medics come in and take readings and tell her team ‘Not yet...soon’, watched Cassian come and go and come and go.

And then he didn’t come back.

He had told her about the mission before he left, a ‘standard job, in and out, I’ll only be a week...ten days at most.’

But a week came and went, and then another and her team’s faces were more pinched as they came to her and said ‘No word from Cassian yet...soon, I’m sure he’ll get in contact soon’, and Jyn raged at her weak body, lying there and preventing her from doing something. _Anything._

And then finally, _finally_ it came. Bodhi came dashing in to her room, limbs flailing and speech even more stilted and stutter-filled than usual, but Jyn got the jist: Cassian was back, not unhurt, but alive. She was so caught up in her relief she missed the slight blip on her heart monitor.

**

It was almost two days before Cassian came to see her, much longer than he usually delayed after a mission, but she knew from the frequent updates from the rest of her team that it wasn’t for lack of trying, the medics utterly forbade it and he was too weak for a jailbreak.

On the evening of the second day, the door to Jyn’s room opened and her heart soared to see Cassian there, even as it ached for the pain she could see etched on his face as Kay helped him into the chair beside Jyn’s medpod.

There was silence broken only by Cassian’s laboured breathing before Kay straightened abruptly and said “I shall leave the two of you alone”, and clanked out of the room.

Then there was silence for so long that Jyn might have thought Cassian was asleep if she hadn’t been able to see his eyes, fixed on her face inside the pod. Eventually he stretched out a hand and put it on the pod near her hand. He took a deep, hitching breath and blew it out in a sigh before speaking.

“This was a bad one, Jyn.”

She knew instinctively that he wasn’t talking about his physical injuries. He was quiet for another while, visibly gathering his thoughts before he opened his mouth and began to tell her a tale of a mission gone wrong: vanishing contacts who turned out to be colluding with tempire, imaginary supplies used a lure to bait a trap for a spy.

He told her about the troopers waiting for him at the end of an alley, his gut instinct the only thing that saved him as he dived under a blaster bolt meant for his head. He told her about the firefight that followed, how he felt a gaping absence at his back (and she could almost feel her truncheons slide into her hands), and his voice hitched again as he told her about the collateral damage in his escape: civilians hurt (killed) by a grenade he threw at the troopers, a freighter blasted out of the sky by TIE fighters as he frantically piloted to his freedom.

She could see the torment the innocent lives lost caused him and she longed as never before to wrap him in her arms, press kisses to his hairline and murmur words of love and scant comfort.

He moved closer to her and rested his forehead against her medpod, eyes closed, and if she hadn’t been in the air around him she wouldn’t have heard his soft murmur. “Ay, cómo te extraño, mi luz.”

He opened his eyes and she could see the sheen of tears, though she wasn’t sure he’d ever let them fall.

“My world is so dark without you, Jyn. You’re so bright, you light up everything, but without you, everything is grey, almost back to the way it was before we met, but I’ve seen the light now, and I can’t go back. The team, they help, but we’re missing the thing that keeps us held together, and…”

He trailed off and blew out his breath, tapping his forehead gently against the glass. “Jyn, if you can hear me, please, please come back. You have to come back.”

_‘I’m trying’,_ she thought desperately.

**

The next week was excruciatingly long.

In some ways, it was positive. Not long after Cassian’s plea, the medteam in charge of her treatment announced that she was stable enough to be taken off life support and be brought out of the induced coma.

She watched in fascination as the upper cover of the pod was removed and various wires and tubes which had been discreetly connected to her body were gradually taken away too.

And then...she waited.

The trembling hope she’d seen on Cassian’s face as he took her hand for the first time in months gave way to worried frustration for both of them as her breathing remained even and her eyes remained stubbornly closed day after day. The medteam assured him (them) that it was all normal, that Jyn had moved from the induced coma to natural sleep and would wake up when she was ready, and all the while Jyn chafed impatiently at the invisible bonds keeping her away from her body.

She was never left alone, her team afraid that she would wake disoriented with no-one close by. Cassian was a near-constant presence, alone or accompanied, unless his own medteam came and commandeered him for tests and treatments of his own.

Almost ten days after she had officially been taken off life support, Cassian briefly absent, it was just her and Chirrut, the latter sitting in uncharacteristic silence by her bedside, head bowed and his hands clenched tight on his staff.

He looked up suddenly and Jyn recoiled in shock: it seemed as though he was looking directly at her.

“Don’t give up hope, little sister.”

She stared at him in disbelief. He had never given any previous indication that he could sense her presence.

_‘Chirrut...can you hear me?’_

He didn’t respond, and her heart sank, only to rise as he started speaking again.

“I know you must be frustrated, with a wait as long as this, eager to get back to your friends and family.” He gave a wry smile. “Patience never was your strong suit.”

Jyn barely heard the playful insult, so focused was she on his first words. Friends and family?

Chirrut grew serious again. “Hope though...I have never before met someone with your hope, Jyn. It is a shining light for anyone who cares to see, a beacon,” he gestured almost mockingly at his own eyes, “even for the blind.”

Jyn was overwhelmed. Months she had been stuck in that pod, plenty of time for her team - no, her family, they had earned that - to abandon her, to drift from her side as life carried them onwards, or to take her passive state as a chance to unburden their frustrations and anger on her, but instead, instead they had remained the one constant in her half-life, a constant source of company and support and love, even when they didn’t know she was there to appreciate it.

Chirrut smiled gently as he leaned back in his chair.

“You’re so close now, little sister. I can feel your presence so strongly, where before it was faint, almost like an aftertaste. It won’t be long now until you’re back with us. You’ll see.”

He fell silent again, and Jyn felt tired suddenly, the room seeming faded and far away for the first time in months, and finally, finally...she fell asleep, content.

**

Jyn opened her eyes and smiled. Her family smiled back.

_fin_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for reading, if you enjoyed I'd love to hear from you in the comments, or over on tumblr where I can be found screaming about Rebelcaptain under the same username. :) x

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed that guys, the second chapter should hopefully be up in the next fortnight. Thanks for reading! :) x


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